Hey there you strange being. It's me again here to share with you some crazy bullshit. I quit my job as a dishwasher and I wasn't nice about it. I feel a little remorse even though I would do it again. Really feeling pretty torn up the past few days. Is it true everybody feels worthless sometimes? Wouldn't it be a great scam to convince ourselves that everybody feels worthless sometimes, when there's some people who don't have to feel worthless? It troubles me to no end. I have lots of trouble these days it seems with being able to trust other human beings. It is starting to get pretty upsetting. For example, I can't mentally handle the idea of needing significant others. If its true we need them than the idea that we only need ourselves is a lie. And for what? Human beings are more devastatingly dangerous than any hard drug. They are more addicting more unpredictableand more expensive. And worst of all, the more time you spnd with them the more like them you become, so choose wisely. "I'm so gifted and finding what I don't like the most"
Moving on. I am working on a feature film with the title "Lowriders in Silicon Valley" it features myself, cheo in the lead role. It also will feature some non-actor humans i've met along my strange journey. If I were a famous director, It would feature Jeffrey Wright. But Instead, I will probably just find some dude named jeff and buy him some beer to be in my movie. This film grows more perplexing and interesting by the day. It is tentatively about an adult illiterate kleptomaniac who robs his friends and drives to vegas, transforms over many years into a kind of Carl Sagan educational television presenter, and also meets a dyign musician who is a fictional fusion of bill evans and chet atkins. It features a poem and scene inspired by the poem "Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie" by Bob Dylan. I spent many hours listening to this poem out on a ranch in Colorado about a year and a half ago.
The film features an original soundtrack by newest_latest. It will have a score and many tracks. You can read the titles of these tracks here: "Prickly Pear and Pistachio Butter", "Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys", "Orale Holmes" "Early Bird", "For This, I Was Born".
I think a lot about what this film will be and how I will make it. Recently one of the things that I've discovered or sort of realized that it has to be is a very clear statement that I want to leave the world before I die. Don't worry, I don't plan on dying soon although I understand why people want to die early sometimes. I want to live as long as possible. But also, my current trajectory in life has not been what I predicted or really wanted at all. I see remendous potential in myself and I have lots of strengths and a kind of X-Factor powerhouse personality and passion and dedication I haven't really witnessed in anyone else. But alas, I am broke all the time. I am lonely all the time. I don't really have anybody that I even really know as a person anymore. I can't see my reflection anymore. I've made deliberate steps to become unmanagable, unemployable and undateable. I'm a shmuck, let's face it. Nothing is guaranteed and everything could fail at any moment. And what will be left of me are shitty jobs and shallow friendships. At least I will have lived long enough to watch other people have things that I don't. Enough to keep me up at night.
So that's why I think about this movie I'm writing as being maybe the last thing I ever make and the biggest piece of evidence of who i was and that existed after I am dead. I've had to greatly increase the scope of the film and the stakes involved, to push past what I thought the limits of the script were. Now it will be a much migger and indimidating endeavor.
Some guy on the internet the other day called me "emo". I was already sad but that made me a litte more sad. I hate it. I hate how brutal it was to be a young dude. And It's only getting more brutal. I don't see much hope besides the suicide booths from Futurama which I think would be quite successful in america.
Lots of people talk about how important love is, and intimacy and friendship. But I feel it is all a big scam. It's just like money or status or anything like that. You either have it or you don't. If you don't have it you envy and hate the people who do and you plan how to get it by any means. Or, most likely, you realize that some people in this world are haves, and some are have-nots. And if you are have-not there is not a thing you can do about it. And you can go a whole lifetime and go wow look at all these people with all this great life experience look how happy they are. They are so free and beautiful. They succeeded! They are likeable! What gret friends! You can think that over and over, alone, every night by the light of your cellphone as you get ready for your shift at eh shitty job that makes you feel like you shouldn't have tried in the first place, because you are lower than low, a worthless speck of dust extra in the movie of someone elses life. And then someone with a great family or a good job or career or a hot girlfriend or loving wife says to you "don't worry, one day it will happen to you too." Are you sure this isn't a scam? Because if you look at the stats. No it won't overwhelmingly it won't happen to me. and judging by my track record. It's never happened in the first place, every time i got close I was a million miles away and the most tragic part was I was stupid enough to think I had a chance.
Anyways