Today is the official first day of shooting for my first feature film: "Boneshaker". It was very hard to get to this point, and yet still feels impossible to finish. I'm not giving up! Technically I'm still on schedule. I predicted shooting to take place between 1-20th of August. I know how I'm going to shoot most of it (barely) but a large part of it still feels completely overwhelming. Like there's no way I'll ever be able to pull it off.That's how I felt about the script two months ago. That's how I felt about escaping Albuquerque the 2nd time. Here I am, but it all feels more intense with more pressure. More madness chasing me down every time I've made a breakthrough.
In order to pay my minimums this month I will be delivering food on my one speed bicycle in August in Austin Texas. Which will be hot. And hard. I dont want to do it, but I don't have to do that much. I think - finally - I have a job that I'll actually keep. Maybe I'll be able to exist in a less painful way. Giving me at least enough time and space to think about my real goal.
I often feel as if it's too late. Like my life has been doomed to failure for longer than I've even had control over it. In those moments, I don't know how I'll wake up the next morning... Much less complete my 20 day shoot, and edit before the 26th of October this year. And even that, If what I end up with is simply not good enough. That whatever pipe dream I've been chasing is some incurable disease that one day will finally destroy me.
And yet, I continue. Quite Poetic I suppose but poetry does not make my life easier anymore. Results do. So my update is that - I'm shooting. My script is better than 90 percent of the dogshit we get from the studios... I just don't know if its good enough for me. And then I'll edit... and that will be its own special intense excruciating hellscape as well. And after all of that.... I'll go back to being a wagie.
not giving up - che